![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Dec. 2nd, 2008 08:05 pmhouston was amazing.
status quo
Apr. 13th, 2007 12:25 amtomorrow morning (fucking 9 o'clock in the fucking morning) i have jury duty. i'm pretty excited about it, even though my chances of getting picked for the jury are slim. i'm too young and too intelligent. but my fingers are crossed. i'm even going to dress respectable and take out my piercings.
jeff ([Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com]) and danimal ([Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com]) are two of my favorite people in the world right now. jeff got me a couple months of a paid account (which i've already been abusing), and dan found me the yuki album to download.
my brother had strep throat and a "dangerous amount of white blood cells in his system", according to the doctors. so he's been in his room for a couple weeks taking antibiotics, steroids, and vicodin.
fuck everything. ugh i'm so unamusing, even to myself lately.
jeff ([Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com]) and danimal ([Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com]) are two of my favorite people in the world right now. jeff got me a couple months of a paid account (which i've already been abusing), and dan found me the yuki album to download.
my brother had strep throat and a "dangerous amount of white blood cells in his system", according to the doctors. so he's been in his room for a couple weeks taking antibiotics, steroids, and vicodin.
fuck everything. ugh i'm so unamusing, even to myself lately.
(no subject)
Jul. 3rd, 2006 02:03 am"I need a father. I need a mother. I need some older, wiser being to cry to. I talk to God, but the sky is empty, and Orion walks by and doesn’t speak."
- Sylvia Plath
well bitches, did you miss me?!
Jan. 20th, 2005 02:25 amwooo! i'm back....w/ a vengeance. well, not really a "vengance" so much as apathetic solitude. i haven't been online in quite a few weeks. i did a friends cut, and you know who you are. i don't want to get sucked into your petty drama anymore, so i'm done. basically, if you live in my town and we used to hang out, you're cut, w/ a few exceptions. mostly just dustin stayed. i <3 you dustin. so if i cut you, take me off too. kthnksbai.
in any case, i still work at maximus, and i'm not in skool yet. my lip piercing has healed up wonderfully, and now i'm saving up for my tattoo. cecil and i are still together. i have a prison penpal now, too. well, i knew him before he got sent up the river, and he's a fucking awesome guy. but now he's in the slammer for 2 1/2 more months, so that sucks. and don't ask why he's in the pen, i don't know. it was a courtmartial thing for the air force, and he wasn't allowed to talk about it. i think it had to do w/ drugs.
so that's about it, i'll start updating on a regular basis again soon.
in any case, i still work at maximus, and i'm not in skool yet. my lip piercing has healed up wonderfully, and now i'm saving up for my tattoo. cecil and i are still together. i have a prison penpal now, too. well, i knew him before he got sent up the river, and he's a fucking awesome guy. but now he's in the slammer for 2 1/2 more months, so that sucks. and don't ask why he's in the pen, i don't know. it was a courtmartial thing for the air force, and he wasn't allowed to talk about it. i think it had to do w/ drugs.
so that's about it, i'll start updating on a regular basis again soon.
i'm "cherry maggot", my little brother is "ExistUnheard".
cherry maggot: i'm fucking tired of guys.
cherry maggot: i should become a lesbian.
ExistUnheard: ew
ExistUnheard: you just totally ruined lesbians for me
cherry maggot: i'm fucking tired of guys.
cherry maggot: i should become a lesbian.
ExistUnheard: ew
ExistUnheard: you just totally ruined lesbians for me
-silent torture-
they say the eyes are the windows to the soul
so i stare at the ground
hoping no one will care enough
to look me in the eye
because then they'd see how twisted & scarred i am inside
i can't ever let them know
because then they'd try to "help"
but i've seen the kind of help they have to offer
they ship you off to mental hospitals
spouting promises of salvation
that never comes
so i keep my pain to myself
wallowing in my own private hell
no one knows the extent of my suffering
and no one ever will
i'm just the "shy kid"
every school has one
they try to avoid everyone's gaze
a fake smile plastered on their face
so that no one can ever truly see
and offer their fucking help
i'm just a rotting husk
a pitiful excuse for a human
brimming with hate & depression
thoughts of suicide & revenge
run rampant through my head
yet still i wear my grinning mask
i stare at the bottle of pills in my hand
thinking with certainty that this is the only way out
a tiny voice in my head cries out
"what if there really is a god?"
"you'll go to hell you know"
but i know the truth:
there is no god
i abandoned all hope of god
back when my mother first beat me
after all, my nine year old mind wondered,
god is supposed to help those who cannot help themselves
not leave them here to rot
in this living hell
hell on earth
my silent torture
-kellye andrews
circa 9th grade
they say the eyes are the windows to the soul
so i stare at the ground
hoping no one will care enough
to look me in the eye
because then they'd see how twisted & scarred i am inside
i can't ever let them know
because then they'd try to "help"
but i've seen the kind of help they have to offer
they ship you off to mental hospitals
spouting promises of salvation
that never comes
so i keep my pain to myself
wallowing in my own private hell
no one knows the extent of my suffering
and no one ever will
i'm just the "shy kid"
every school has one
they try to avoid everyone's gaze
a fake smile plastered on their face
so that no one can ever truly see
and offer their fucking help
i'm just a rotting husk
a pitiful excuse for a human
brimming with hate & depression
thoughts of suicide & revenge
run rampant through my head
yet still i wear my grinning mask
i stare at the bottle of pills in my hand
thinking with certainty that this is the only way out
a tiny voice in my head cries out
"what if there really is a god?"
"you'll go to hell you know"
but i know the truth:
there is no god
i abandoned all hope of god
back when my mother first beat me
after all, my nine year old mind wondered,
god is supposed to help those who cannot help themselves
not leave them here to rot
in this living hell
hell on earth
my silent torture
-kellye andrews
circa 9th grade
sorry about yesterday's post. it was a really fucking bad day. the only highlights were that i skipped 4th and 5th and just went over to cecil's house to hang out, and that when i got home from the fucking waste of time called the latin awards banquet he was there waiting for me. i love that boy so much. it's kind of a double edged sword though. now i feel unhappy unless i'm w/ him. so pretty much i'm only truly happy when i'm w/ him. and we spend so much time together that every story i have now starts w/ "cecil and me were...". it seems like all i do is talk about him, but truthfully he's just in every story i tell.
speaking of the latin banquet, jeff, cecil, and i went to the mall b/c i needed an outfit. i couldn't find anything i liked, so i just let jeff pick it out. b/c we all know gay men have a well-refined fashion sense. i really liked it, though. cecil liked it too. i got a few compliments on the shirt that i wore, and my hair. maybe i'll post a pic up of it. or something. but i don't want to dwell too much on the banquet, b/c a lot of shit went down that pissed me off. so i'll find a new subject.
mmm... molasses...
speaking of the latin banquet, jeff, cecil, and i went to the mall b/c i needed an outfit. i couldn't find anything i liked, so i just let jeff pick it out. b/c we all know gay men have a well-refined fashion sense. i really liked it, though. cecil liked it too. i got a few compliments on the shirt that i wore, and my hair. maybe i'll post a pic up of it. or something. but i don't want to dwell too much on the banquet, b/c a lot of shit went down that pissed me off. so i'll find a new subject.
mmm... molasses...
aim conversation between billy and i
Mar. 14th, 2004 08:06 pmcyanideskittles: hello
UrLuvIsToxic: hi
UrLuvIsToxic: how are you?
cyanideskittles: thinking about talking to cecil
cyanideskittles: too hard to let go
UrLuvIsToxic: aww
cyanideskittles: but if i get back w/ him, his friends will TOTALLY think i'm a bitch
cyanideskittles: and they'll be right
UrLuvIsToxic: and his friends matter why?
cyanideskittles: and they'll hate me even more
cyanideskittles: b/c he trusts hem and listens to their opinions
UrLuvIsToxic: it's Cecil you love... not his friends
cyanideskittles: and they can poison him against me
UrLuvIsToxic: okay... well you are going to poison him against you...
cyanideskittles: i think i already have
UrLuvIsToxic: he loves you
UrLuvIsToxic: he weaped
cyanideskittles: i love him
cyanideskittles: but dammit it's so hard
cyanideskittles: i want it easy
cyanideskittles: love is supposed to be fun and carefree and romps through a field of flowers
UrLuvIsToxic: and then you wake up
cyanideskittles: heh
cyanideskittles: but fuck
cyanideskittles: what should i do
UrLuvIsToxic: what your heart is telling you to do
cyanideskittles: go back to him
can i? would he take me back?
a giant rubber band joins us. the farther i try to run away from him, the faster and harder i get snapped back.
UrLuvIsToxic: hi
UrLuvIsToxic: how are you?
cyanideskittles: thinking about talking to cecil
cyanideskittles: too hard to let go
UrLuvIsToxic: aww
cyanideskittles: but if i get back w/ him, his friends will TOTALLY think i'm a bitch
cyanideskittles: and they'll be right
UrLuvIsToxic: and his friends matter why?
cyanideskittles: and they'll hate me even more
cyanideskittles: b/c he trusts hem and listens to their opinions
UrLuvIsToxic: it's Cecil you love... not his friends
cyanideskittles: and they can poison him against me
UrLuvIsToxic: okay... well you are going to poison him against you...
cyanideskittles: i think i already have
UrLuvIsToxic: he loves you
UrLuvIsToxic: he weaped
cyanideskittles: i love him
cyanideskittles: but dammit it's so hard
cyanideskittles: i want it easy
cyanideskittles: love is supposed to be fun and carefree and romps through a field of flowers
UrLuvIsToxic: and then you wake up
cyanideskittles: heh
cyanideskittles: but fuck
cyanideskittles: what should i do
UrLuvIsToxic: what your heart is telling you to do
cyanideskittles: go back to him
can i? would he take me back?
a giant rubber band joins us. the farther i try to run away from him, the faster and harder i get snapped back.
