spooky_nine

-silent torture-

they say the eyes are the windows to the soul
so i stare at the ground
hoping no one will care enough
to look me in the eye
because then they'd see how twisted & scarred i am inside
i can't ever let them know
because then they'd try to "help"
but i've seen the kind of help they have to offer
they ship you off to mental hospitals
spouting promises of salvation
that never comes

so i keep my pain to myself
wallowing in my own private hell
no one knows the extent of my suffering
and no one ever will
i'm just the "shy kid"
every school has one
they try to avoid everyone's gaze
a fake smile plastered on their face
so that no one can ever truly see
and offer their fucking help

i'm just a rotting husk
a pitiful excuse for a human
brimming with hate & depression
thoughts of suicide & revenge
run rampant through my head
yet still i wear my grinning mask

i stare at the bottle of pills in my hand
thinking with certainty that this is the only way out
a tiny voice in my head cries out
"what if there really is a god?"
"you'll go to hell you know"
but i know the truth:
there is no god
i abandoned all hope of god
back when my mother first beat me
after all, my nine year old mind wondered,
god is supposed to help those who cannot help themselves
not leave them here to rot
in this living hell
hell on earth
my silent torture

-kellye andrews
circa 9th grade