spooky_nine

gynocide posted a link to an article on this blog "Tales of a Wayward Classicist" (It was the article about Latin Tattoos). Latin has been an interest of mine since I was a kid learning dinosaur names. I eventually took three years of it in high school and flirted with the idea of going to college to study it and become a teacher.

Anyway, I started reading the rest of his entries. Now it's three hours later and I'm still reading. This post was pretty funny, so I thought I'd share.

"It's not a proper country, doesn't even have a patron saint."

As a classicist, my knowledge of anatomical "facts" is somewhat startling.

You tell me the modern conceptualization of the production and renewal of blood and I am enthralled. I know nothing of this. The basic workings of the human body are quite mysterious to me, as my last general science class took place sometime back in high school. Cell regeneration? Mitochondria? Digestion? All of this is fascinating. Hundreds of thousands of processes are going on inside my goddamned body that I don't have any understanding of.

Tell me that in the ancient world it was "common knowledge" that a woman's womb wandered freely around her body and wreaked havoc on it unless properly treated? Yeah, that's old hat. Backwards, I know.

But to you, this is very likely new information, unless your interests are either very specific or extremely diverse.

So here's what you need to know. First, you must understand that the uterus is a little animal that lives inside every woman. It has a mind of its own and rather frequently misbehaves, causing significant problems. It can wander up to the brain, cutting off blood-flow and causing headaches. It can put pressure on the throat/lungs and create the sensation of suffocation. It can attach itself to the liver in its desperate search for moisture.

None of these things are good.

To prevent the womb from wandering, it needs to be "well irrigated" with semen. This will make the womb happy and keep it weighted down where it needs to be. The most healthy wombs are those that have given birth, so frequent irrigation will ideally lead to conception, which then leads to health. Horray!

If the womb has wandered, it can be brought back into place with, (surprise!) an irrigation of semen. Or it can be attracted back towards the vagina by way of fumigation with sweetly scented smoke. Alternatively, if it has wandered too far up the body, acrid and pungent scents introduced to the nose will make it run back down to its proper position.

Aside from wandering, the womb can also suffer from a coagulation of menstrual blood, which is best alleviated (and avoided) by a regimen of regular sex and, ideally, birth. In fact, there are a whole host of ailments that can afflict a woman unless she is regularly having sex and babies.

The cure-all then, is marriage. Marriage keeps women healthy and prevents these terrible diseases from becoming too problematic. Of course, women should begin regular sexual activity (for their health, you see) shortly after the onset of menstruation, and so should be married as soon as possible. Usually to a man in his late twenties or early thirties. Women who wait too long before marrying run the risk of severe health issues.

Now you know, and knowing is half-way to asking, "Just what in the hell was wrong with these people?"